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| HOW CAN THEY SAY |
| 08.11.04 (4:23 am) [edit] |
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:( I went to a funeral yesterday. The casket was closed because the occupant had commited suicide. Oh, Oh, what a waste. I have attempted suicide so many times, I can't count the number of times. So it was a very soul searching and extremely excrutiating experience. But, there was one thing that bothered me more than anything else.
I had a friend that died several years ago. Well, I have had several people that I have loved that have died. And I know this might sound weird but, I have always had to touch the person that has died. In fact, one of the things that bothers me the most about my fathers death is, I never got to see him dead and there have been lots of times in the past 9 years that I have been somewhere, anywhere and I have seen someone from behind and I just knew it was my dad and I have run to get to them. I just knew that it was him. I just knew that they have lied to me and he is really alive and they are playing a cruel joke on me. But, when I get there to this person, it's never him. Yes, I have seen the obituary, I have seen the gravesite. But, I never saw him!
I'm getting off track here.
Anyway, like I said. I have always had to touch the person that is dead and I don't know how people can say there is no God. If you have ever seen someone that is dead, or felt them. You would know that there is a God. The claylike substance that is left, that once had a personality, that laughed, that loved, that cried, that played baseball, or went to parties, that held you in their arms. That person that worshiped beside you or that didn't. Didn't do those things without there being some Almighty Power, a God, a Creator in Heaven.
What I've touched is just a shell, just what it says. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. That person, the one I loved, isn't there anymore. And the character, the morals and values and love didn't just disappear.
A weed doesn't have laughter, love, hope, dreams, character.
I just wanted to share that. :D
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| WHY CAN'T I BE |
| 07.29.04 (9:12 am) [edit] |
I have heard so many people say they wish they could be young again. I WOULD NEVER WISH IT IN A MILLION YEARS. Unfortunately and Fortunately, I believe in God, so I can't kill myself, not that I haven't tried before. :cry: He has been merciful to me and had He not, I would be burning in hell right now. Well, I'm in hell right now, I'm just not burning.
I have three children so I meet lots of other moms and talk to alot of other moms. See, I had NO EXAMPLE TO LEARN FROM, so I have had to wing it or ask or just plain learned the hard way.
I see and watch other moms and I am envious. But, it also shames me. Why can't I be like them. I do things differently. They will call me up and ask me if I'm taking my kids to this or that. If I am, they want to know if I've packed lunch already, they're bringing blankets, they've already made goody bags for their children to keep them from being bored. And the goody bags they have, they hand stitched their childrens favorite animal or initial on them at the same time they were making a four course dinner for their husbands boss and his wife and gave their kids a bath, their vitamin, tucked them in to bed and read them a story.
If I'm not, they want to know why and if my excuse doesn't sound good enough, I get that "Oh", and it's a different sounding "Oh".
My mom put blankets over the windows, that already had curtains on them, and we sat in the dark all the time, we watched t.v. all the time. I made dinner. She might or might not come out once every 3 days. You didn't make any sound, if you wanted your teeth but, I'm supposed to know how to be sociable. I'm supposed to know how to feel comfortable in public.
I never spent the night at someones house. I never had a birthday party. I had a cake once. My aunt brought it to the house. My mom, slid it across the table at me, and said "here and you don't deserve that". I was allowed to go outside to hang laundry. My sister had to let me out the door. She was to watch me the whole time. Then I had to have a special knock to get back in the door. (I still don't understand that one)
I look at my children, I love them so much. They want to go outside to play and it is so hard for me. But, my husband made a playground in the back yard. I sit at the window, like right now and I watch them. I have let them spend the night with their friends but I am a nervous wreck the whole time.
When school starts, I am a nervous wreck for about a month. Just the change of schedule for me is almost too much for me to handle. I get irritable, I get angry, I get so out of sorts.
Why oh why can't I just be normal!
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| New Day/More Hell |
| 07.29.04 (4:52 am) [edit] |
I have always felt that I never greet a new day, I am dragged into it. Rules that apply to other people have never applied to me. People can treat me like crap but, God forbid I say a word about someone else. There have been very powerful women in my life. And each one of them were always protected and got away with doing to me, whatever they chose to do.
One :twisted: allowed me to be molested.
One :evil: did the molesting.
People say to let go of the past. :?: How do you let go of the past, when the past is what makes you the person that you are today. :?: How do you let go of the past, when the people who did these things to you are walking around and people are worshiping them like they are glorious!
And people look upon you and you feel inferior and ugly and you can't talk to people because you feel like when you walk away, they are saying something about you. If you are standing somewhere and you hear a group of people laughing, you just know, they are laughing at you. :lol:
I lived 13 years with a bitch, and ran away to find my dad, who I knew was going to be just like the dad on Little House on the Prairie. I just knew it. Everytime I say Laura Ingalls running down that hill at the beginning of that show, and I saw Michael Landon smiling at her, I just knew it was going to be like that, when I found my Dad. :cry:
What I found........................ Well, :cry: never mind.
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| Not Right |
| 07.27.04 (5:28 pm) [edit] |
I have been told all my life that I was different. Now to alot of people, being told that, means they are special. Well, not so on in my life. I was worried about coming on here and sounding pitiful and was worried about what people might say to me but when I finally finished setting this up, It was almost a relief.
See I have only had two people that I could talk to, that wouldn't turn me away. The first is my therapist, and I pay her to talk to me and the other is God. He listens, and that's it. Now, people will say, How are you doing? But, they really don't want to hear anything other than, "Fine, and you?"
I have always heard that everything happens for a reason. Well, I for the life of me, can't figure out why the Lord seen fit to give me no family and to allow my life on earth to be a living hell.
Now don't get me wrong. I love the Lord with every fiber of my being but, I have had to literally crawl every step of the way to get to him and try and find just a little bit of peace.
When I was born, my dad was in Thailand. It was during the Vietnam war. When he came home, he was medically discharged. I still don't know the whole story behind that.
All I know is my dad left a normal man and was sent back to Ohio to a mental hospital and was never the same again. He would constantly lie to me and this is when I finally found him when I ran away from my mom at 13. He told me so many different stories and each story had him in a different branch of the services. One day, he had been in the Army, the next he was in the Marines, once he was in the Air Force and he told me he had been shot down 7 times and was the only survivor twice.
He told me I had many brothers and sisters over there. He told me terrible things. And again, that's after I finally found him because I had ran away from my abusive mother.
I am not really in the mood tonight to go any further. Maybe tomorrow.
But, I feel this might be good for me.
I do know that all the lies, the abuse, the rejection, pain, fear, anger, and disgust I received from my parents have made it very hard to deal with life.
God has helped a great deal.
God bless anyone that might happen to read it.
Allmigurls
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